The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
