Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
