chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
