Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
