Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
