i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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