your thong is hanging out like whoa
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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