I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
