fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
