Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
