Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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