I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Randomize
