I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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