I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He kissed a someone with a penis
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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