Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
