she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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