my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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