Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
