Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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