Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
