I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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