I think i sorta joined a cult last night
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You are a booty call, not a friend.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
