peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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