Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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