i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
