Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
