I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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