Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I want to have your abortion
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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