im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
