Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
