no, he came in my armpit
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
