my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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