I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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