what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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