I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
