As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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