There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
