well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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