The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
