i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
