u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
