first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
