I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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