At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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