I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I think i got beer on your cat.
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