kristin has been a bad kristin
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
