i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize