she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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