I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
