I can text with my tongue
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
