im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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