The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
