I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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