I need help removing her.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
