YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Randomize
