when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
