I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
