tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
