Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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