I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
