Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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