I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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