the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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