so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Randomize
